The Facebook Blackout

Facebook… the golden years

When I first joined Facebook it was great, it was a peak for my social years at University and Facebook was still a Univesity/College thing.  Therefore it was a great way of supplementing the social scene on campus.

Most people I was friend’s with live about 5 miles in distance, we did similiar courses and went on the same nights out.

The guys seemed a lot funnier, with status updates about people or places you knew annd the girls were available, posted hot pictures and the site gave you plenty of chance to talk to them.

Then University ended and Facebook began to get lamer.  They had relaxed the access policy, so now you were getting friend requests from the girl at your school who got knocked up before the GCSE exams and your parents.


The people from school where the first signs Facebook was ruined, as I had not seen most of these people for over 8 years, and quite a lot I was never friends with anyway.  We had nothing in common.

Add relatives and work colleagues who wanted to nosy into your social life, the site had truely gone to the shitter.

If Facebook was a party, it reached the point where someone crashed the party, stole your beer, kicked the cat and vomited over your mum’s cream carpet.

My old university friends got lame too – I was no longer near anyone, so I had no connection or interest in their life.

Their personal lifes also changed they got married, had kids and got fat.  This meant their status updates got boring.

I first realised this when I saw a status updated from a guy who was a bit of player, he once came in a girls hair and when she bitched, he handed her a comb.

Anyway I eventually had to hide him because I could not cope with the tedium of reading three time a day updates on how his girlfriend was keeping him whipped.

The hot girls had kids or became a sad reflection, documenting each weekend in some shit club, leaving the random facebooker to witness the gradually wear and tear of partying before hitting the wall.

Other things that started to piss me off about Facebook

  • Constant game invites
  • Bitstrips (Dear God why?)
  • Pictures of food and kids
  • Fat single girls posting updates about how lame men are (and then posting a status a couple of days later saying how much they need a man)
  • Political commentary – no one ever gave a shit what you think about the immigration policy
  • Twats who are having such a ‘great’ nightout they have to post from their iPhone where they are.
  • Everyone liking wedding/relationship status/children being born  type business – bascially the stuff everyone does.  The genuinley interesting, well thought-out, funny status updates seem to get ignored.

Sometimes it is a case of knowing when to leave, in my case I had missed the last train home, but was still able to get a taxi before the onslaught occured.

Quitting Facebook is naturally dismissed by condescending dickbags who suggest it was done for attention.

I find that a stupid thing to say as,  if you laid a nice pebble feature in your garden and someone stole one of the pebbles would you notice they had gone?

What if you had no e-mail address or telephone number to contact that pebble to ask why they left?  As most people have 100’s of ‘friends’ on Facebook they won’t be asking why you went.

If I craved attention so badly, closing a facebook account would not be the way to do it.  Better methods are making a scene in public, exposing yourself in the children’s play area of a park, slitting wrists, or shooting up your office/school/church.

Things I do to replace the social network experience

  • Actually talk to and arrange to meet people.
  • Read books that educate the mind, rather than statuses which just obscure the mind.
  • Instead of dick-waving on Linkedin, I volunteer to improve my skills for my career and have arranged to do a course.
  • When I hit up the gym, I walk home and tell all strangers “I’ve had a tough gym session”, they usually look at me like they couldn’t give a shit..
  • Leave all my private and personal information in public places that is free for anyone to access.
  • When I get shit faced at a party, I write a blow-by-blow account, take embarrasing pictures, print them off and then send them all to my relatives including my cousin who has to blab everything to anything to anyone.
  • Hiring a really good looking guy and girl from escort agencies.  The guy constantly brags about his life and how many blow jobs he gets.  The girl will talk about herself, show me pictures of food and nights out with the ‘girlies’.  When they fuck I have to endure her whining about all men being bastards.

Someone asked if I had noticed that some boring bastard and charisma-less bitch had got engaged on Facebook.  I wanted to say I wasn’t interested in what two dull, average people had done.

Instead I said that I was no longer on Facebook.  They expressed the sort of shock that might have been matched if I had confessed to them that I had committed multiple murders.

My Facebook blackout began on 1st January 2014, shortly after, I left Twitter and LinkedIn.

What happened next?  I discovered I had a life to live doing practical and interesting things.


One thought on “The Facebook Blackout

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s