When my friend informed me of his dream to be a successful writer, I entertained the idea.
“Good for him” I thought,
After all, everyone should have a dream.
If I’d realised how much this vision would consume the next twenty years of his life I might have said something different.
Not all dreams are worth the sacrifice
“If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind.”
Charles Bukowski
I often think about this poem – it’s meaning behind success, following your dreams, and the sacrifice you may have to endure for the cause.
When I first started reading self-improvement, the notion of letting go of a dream was presented as something bad:
Giving up on your dream? Essentially you’re giving up on who you truly are!
As I get older, I realise more it’s essential to let go of many of these ideas to help you grow as a person, and in the bigger picture create a life of greater purpose and meaning.
And wouldn’t it be worrying if a forty year old man held onto the same wants and desires as he had at 16?
Do you really want the dream?
When I turned twenty I bought a guitar.
Being some cool guy playing in a band was something I always wanted to do, but my singing voice makes cats and dogs howl, so the only the way to ever achieve this was to learn how to play an instrument.
I got one of those teach yourself guitar books, and downloaded the tabs of a few of my favourite songs to encourage my development.
And do you know what happened?
Nothing.
The guitar went from rock star aspiration to dusty corner furniture within four weeks.
Why? Because the idea of playing guitar (and being in a band) was a better feeling than putting in the reps to get good.
Overall my dream was motivated by the wrong reasons, as a young man the feelings of being the centre of attention, popular and being more attractive to the opposite sex mattered more than being able to play beautiful music.
The shallow desire of popularity was never going to be a big enough motivator to get through the challenges and motivators, so I moved on.
Putting in the reps
When it comes to being successful, is it worth losing loved ones, and “your mind?” when there are lots of other good opportunities out there?
“Follow your dream” is shallow advice that’s easy to say by someone who had the taste of success, but what about those thousands, millions who put in the reps but never quite make it?
Getting a job in Cyber Security might not have been where you saw yourself going in your youth, but you are more likely to make a success of it (and some good money) for a highly sought after skill than trying to fill a limited position in how people spend their leisure time
Stubborn determination to not be willing to do nothing but the dream creates people who miss other chances gifted to them, and lack the gratitude to appreciate what’s in front.
Closing: time to stop dreaming and start living
My friend is not JK Rowling, he’s not some self-published writer who has not even sold a dozen books in his lifetime, he’s not even some blogger with an opinion.
Don’t get me wrong, if he turned his fortunes around I’d be the first to congratulate him, but all I have seen is the self-destructive nature obsession to the dream has caused.
As a teenager I’d never imagined I’d be doing what I am today, the thought that I’d be doing some 9 to 5 office job like my dad would have been my worst nightmare.
But throughout life I’ve been tested, my views and ambitions have been changed dozens of times, and I’ve come out stronger for it.
Dreams are a nice thing to have, but essentially are just a cope, a fantasy that make you feel all fluffy inside while avoiding all reality of escaping the mundane nature of life.
And they might enable us to think bigger, but stubbornly holding onto something that isn’t working, not learning from it and adjusting our path to eventually thrive is a limiter and can result in a fixed mindset unable to see other opportunities.
My first job I’m always grateful for as it exposed the idealistic me to the routine of life, and that we weren’t all destined to be megastars.
And as I spent my days pushing a postal trolley around a mental hospital thinking “is this it?” I took surprising comfort in the self-depreciating nature of the movie/book Fight Club:
“We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.”
Chuck Palaniuk, Fight Club
Everyone knows someone who has a story of someone who “nearly made it”, dwelling on what could have been – let the dream die, so you can start living.
Wishing you the best in your success,
James @Perfect Manifesto
Perfect Manifesto 
I like this – I think we associate too much for a dream, sometimes we just move on and realise that we’ve grown beyond these dreams. Probably our dreams, fears and everything else enlarges with time and we grow and learn right. The moment our dreams become pressures, there’s a visible problem that we need to solve. In that instance, maybe we should let the dream die and make the most of our life as it unfolds
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Thanks Vinay, I think ‘letting the dream die’ is something we all should start to normalise, and tell people it’s okay to live a normal conventional life. My day job is pretty routine and nothing that will make me special, but in a job that is unexceptional, I get the opportunity everyday to work towards exceptional things.
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You dream too much, you lose reality. Most people I know who ‘made it’ aspired , evaluated and worked like hell to achieve. There are too many ‘dreamers’ these days.
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Although I would have dreaded the thought of becoming dad, in many ways I feel I have become him in terms of working hard and keeping ambitions grounded in reality. I’m not a special person who receives endless validation from the world like 16 year old me wanted, but I’m happy with the simple pleasures I’ve fought and earned!
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James, you’re right, this is an unfortunate reality that many are having to face.
“When it comes to being successful, is it worth losing loved ones, and “your mind?” when there are lots of other good opportunities out there?”
My second husband and one of our business partners became obsessed with our dream of making a film, but when legitimate investment resources dried up due to the crash of the economy in 2008, they turned to illegal and immoral ones, and when myself and our other partner said absolutely “no!” This resulted with both men losing everything, money, marriage and even their minds. Yes, it happens!
The men found it difficult to accept their “failure” to achieve the dream, and could not deal with the thought of living “ordinary lives, doing ordinary” work.
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Losing your mind – although it sounds good in a poem, there is some true, tragic reality to it actually happening!
The thought of going on to live an ordinary life at 16 would have been a nightmare, but as I got older, got a family, became more secure in myself I realised I didn’t need to impress everyone, and enjoy my simple, quiet life.
My days are mostly made up of reality, with a little opportunity to work on wider dreams (ambitions) on the side 🙂
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I think there’s a difference in “giving up a dream” vs. just doing the same thing because it brings us pleasure! The guitar was the vehicle to make the dream of fame and fortune come to life, but that same guitar can bring hours of thoughtful pleasure just in the act of playing it! I relate to your dreams, I wanted to become a bestselling author to gain acceptance and respect from people, and when the sales continue to just keep me in coffee each month but don’t pay for a car and a house, I have had to examine myself and my motives. What if I never gain a lot of followers or sell a lot of books? Will I keep writing? Do I do it for me or do I do it for what I hope to receive?
Soul searching and altering our perceptions of our dreams is healthy, and choosing to keep doing what brings us joy will lead to a more fulfilled life!
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