You’re not being a selfish turd putting yourself first, here’s why…
Over a decade ago I thought my life purpose was to make the world a better place.
In hindsight an amusing thought when I wasn’t even capable of making my own life better.
The problem stemmed from a sense of virtue, always giving myself to others before putting my own needs first.
There was no love in my life, status, I was a burden to my parents living at home, and I didn’t really have anything much to really look forward to, except what I kept telling myself
“I am making a difference”
Really, I was just… existing, and living like this was putting me financially out of pocket, people took liberties of my caring nature, and I always found it awkward to ask to be compensated for my efforts.
There was no reward for this effort – being selfless wasn’t paying off the way I thought it might.
I thought fundamentally about the problem and realised I was focused on bigger world issues, losing sleep dreaming of world ending scenarios, where the reality is I had no power to influence this agenda.
To progress, I realised I needed to get my priorities in order, with a focus on what I could control, and this started with self-care.
I put some informal rules in place of where my focus would sit, agreeing to keep my focus in this order:
- Change yourself
- Improve your family’s standing in life
- Impact your community
- Impact your country
- Change the world
I thought of this in a visual model, which informally I referred to as the “priority stair theory”.
This theory’s approach is to take the idea of self-improvement “one step at a time.”
Like stairs you can’t jump straight to the top without working your way up through the other steps first, and I would only tackle later steps if I was satisfied I’d met the steps at the bottom first.
Step One: Change yourself
To improve my standing in life I decided I needed to display a healthy selfishness, a mindset that was focused on doing less of the helpful stuff, that indirectly was contributing to my own self-sabotage.
I’d been volunteering for a charity the past six months, and despite the offices being in a city centre, I never claimed for the travel despite the fact I was beginning to struggle financially. I just didn’t have the heart to take money from a charity.
With the realisation that I wasn’t getting anything from the role, I decided to cut my losses, and I did feel like a selfish turd putting myself first, but knew it was the right thing to do.
Another important skill to change yourself is to take time for personal wellness – this involved taking more self-care to exercise, eat healthier, and to find and pursue more personal interests and hobbies.
As a single man with no responsibilities this is a lot easier to do than it is today as a father and husband where I can feel guilty for wanting a bit of me time, but to be honest I’ll always cite the time I spend alone going to the gym and blogging being essential to my mental wellbeing.
A final aspect of this self-care comes under what I refer to as “healthy selfishness”, which is about being assertive and knowing when to say no.
I am a self-confessed pushover, and my personal growth became a lot tougher when I told myself to do less people pleasing.
This has at times resulted in being verbally bullied into submission to go with the flow, or do what someone else wants, but it was all worth it for the time I first remained resilient and kept saying no.
This has resulted in friends, colleagues, casual acquaintances learning to respect me more, or breaking ties with me, but for the latter individuals, they were never worth the lost sleep to begin with.
I’m much better than I used to be, but still have situations where I wish I could have handled situations more firmly.
Being assertive is key to changing yourself. It helps you:
- Negotiate arrangements that are more fairer to your needs,
- Avoid taking on too many responsibilities you can’t handle,
- Arguing your case for dedicating time to self-care,
- Say no to things you don’t want to do.
Getting good at carrying out all these things, will take you a long way towards contributing towards your personal success.
Priority stair theory – does it work?
I can’t comment if the whole theory works as I’m only on the second step (Improve your family’s standing in life), but as a tool to keep yourself focused it is extremely effective.
Within a few months of being selfish I’d seen improvements to my career, financial situation, and confidence.
At the start of the new year I’d written down a series of ambitions that became my goals (one of which led to the conception of this blog).
Two years later I’d learnt how to drive, got into a healthy relationship, had more career progression and bought a house.
One of the flaws in my theory is it came from the mind of a single man, as a father whether I was prepared or not having my first child automatically moved me from being self-focused to family focused – lucky I felt I’d already progressed to be there, but I imagine if I suffered any major personal issues, I’d have to deal with it around looking after my loved ones.
I’ve also been thinking how impossible it is to get to steps four (impacting your country) and five (change the world).
Does it mean you should never do anything that relates to these areas such as donating to an international aid charity? Not quite.
I’ve come to realise you shouldn’t let it stop me supporting causes I care about – as long as I keep in mind the problems of the world are beyond my control, and not to let it consume my thoughts, something I know has helped as I no longer wake up in a cold sweat every night dreaming of the world’s end.
Call to action: be more selfish
If you’re always giving and doing things for others, I give you permission to be more selfish.
There is nothing wrong with having ‘You Time’, and you shouldn’t be apologetic from standing up for yourself if someone is trying to persuade you to do something that you’re not interested in.
If you feel your life is in a bit of a funk, then think about what you need to change –
- What have you been neglecting?
- How can you do more self-care?
- What is something you want to achieve – what is stopping you progressing?
- Do you need to reflect on your wants and needs to find direction?
- How are your goals progressing? (If you’ve not got goals, why not write some?)
It’s worth remembering – most of us have some sort of commitments and responsibility, but you’re no use to anyone if you’ve not looked after your own wellbeing. Invest the time to sharpen the saw so that you can be the person those who those you love the most can depend on to lead them to a better future.
Wishing you the best in your success
James @Perfect Manifesto
Acknowledgement: Alcohol Free Fathers – You Matter
This article was inspired and wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t read this post from Roscoe at Alcohol Free Fathers – You Matter
Personally I’m blessed that I’ve not had an alcohol addiction, however with the drinking culture in the UK I have struggled with the peer pressure to be part of the crowd and get drunk.
I’ve found the writings empowering to change my own relationship with alcohol, along with a solidarity that I’m not alone and it’s okay to say no to having a drink – for the sake of my family, children and most of all for my own personal wishes.
If you’re a dad looking to get sober, stay sober, prosper in life and be the example you want them to see, then please do support Alcohol Free Fathers, by going over getting inspiration from the posts and subscribing to keep receiving posts to support your sober self-improvement journey.
Perfect Manifesto 