If you’re not up yet with the blog,  I go to the gym.  During my time going there, I’ve encounter a number of annoying character types who go.

Here is who to look out for:

The Hogger

Now I understand the need to have time on the bench.  But a good proportion of my weekly training I do in my lunch hour at work, so I am rushed for time.

Therefore the person who hogs a bit of equipment of a bench will always piss me off.  Good gym etiquette should consist of doing your sets on one piece of equipment and then moving on.

The exception of course, is if it is quiet or there are a number of the same machine, then you get a pass.  However if there is only one stairmaster and it is peak time, spending an hour trying to climb up 1000 steps is not cool.

People who hog certain equipment have got this down to an art form thinking of bullshit ways of working the body in positions that the equipment was not designed for.  This serves no purpose except to save the hogger a walk around the gym.

The Watcher

There is nothing worse than when you are working through your sets you spot someone in the corner of your eye.  Straight away you know they want something.

When this happens I continue working through, have a rest, then get to the next set.  During this they check their phone, then start wondering around you in a manner that I can best describe as orbiting.

As I am finishing up they are straight on the bench, which is a bit too close for my liking and takes me to the next point.

The Crowder

In a large gym where it is quiet and there is plenty of space, why does someone need to stand right next to me to do their set?

Even worse is when I am doing something, and said person lines up to do the same things with a heavier weight, sneaking across a smug look as they wrench their back in awkward direction to do a curl.

Another method of invading personal space that seems to be happening quite frequently is for someone to walk across my line of sight, puffing out their chest.

Unfortunately mate, your show of dominance is pathetic as you’re about as buff as Mr Muscle.

So if I am using the battleropes, or pull-up station don’t walk over them, step through or generally just be a pain in the arse that gets in the way.

The Tech kid

Once upon a time phones mainly pissed me off in the gym when people were texting and talking to a buddy while doing a less than enthusiastic performance on the treadmill.

Now thanks to the improvement of technology we have people using apps, surfing the Internet and most annoyingly of all – the self-observed, average looking little shits who take selfies.

I’ll be honest I could have been a tech kid, I downloaded an app to measure heart rate, I spent so long pissing about with it trying to get it to work that I didn’t get much training done.  I unistalled it straight after.

Unless your wife is due to give birth any day now you have no excuse for bringing a phone into a zone where you are supposed to be focusing on the self-improvement of your body.

The only satisfaction I got from an arsehole bringing a phone into the gym was when he accidentally dropped a 30kg dumb bell after a particularly difficult set.

The Gym Oracle

I may be working on my chest, or my biceps or I may have some other particular goal; I am in the zone, my time is limited so I want to get as much done as possible, when some dork taps me on the shoulder and offers his ‘valuable’ advice for ten minutes.

Even if you tell him what you are working on that is not good enough, so he’ll tell you about some exercise he read in Men’s Health or some bullshit way he made up of doing sets.

Because in my real life I am polite, inoffensive person, I will act like a North Korean listening to Kim-Jong Un, feeling compelled to show the supreme leader (of the gym) that everything that came out of their mouth was like wisdom from Arnold Schwarzenegger and will show them a couple of rushed sets to show I have absorbed their golden nuggets.

I will make a mental note of what they look like so that  I know who to avoid and never do what they suggested again, as I have found through experience they are usually wrong.

The Shirt Lifter

Going to the gym is so good, you feel your muscles tensing up, you feel so good you could take your shirt off… except you don’t of course because you’re not a complete dickbag.

The shirt lifter loves any opportunity to show off the skin under his vest, whether it is to stroke his abs, take the shirt right off to flex his biceps or pretending he is on the receiving end of a reach-around.

For the record, you are not on muscle beach and you are not a tanned adonis, with the body of a Greek god.  This is a council run gym in the North of England,  and you have the body mass of a limpet.

For the record, you’re surrounded by sweaty dudes, not in a gay venue, do you realise how inappropriate that is?

So those were some of the things that annoyed me, I hope this article inspired you to stop acting like a grade A dickhead in the gym.

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