So what next?
This week was the first time I missed my weekly deadline since starting Manifesto of Perfection.
I am kind of pissed off about it, as the blog always represented my desire to do something constructive and keep accountability of my self-development. If I get in the habit of missing weekly writings how can I be accountable?
Illness got in the way of routine and that felt like an excuse. I made time to see the final 10 hours of Breaking Bad. I had a sore throat, this did not impede my ability to write.
I forced myself to work on Friday, I really was not up for it, but we have this confusing sickness policy, where if you have a number of incidents of days off sick you get a warning.
I was not sure if I would get a warning or not as I had a total of 4 days sick, but thought I would show the effort. I really could not manage it and thought I was going to pass out on my desk. So I informed my manager I was going home early.
This offended my manager, who did not like my manner as I stated I was going home sick rather than asking permission if I could go home because I felt sick.
I didn’t argue I just wanted to get home.
The attitude she displayed kind of bothered me. I went home and passed out on the couch. After a few hours rest I felt terrible, with dreams full of thoughts of what I would like to say/do to my boss.
I forced some soup down in the evening and continued reeling about the 30 second conversation. Before going to an uncomfortable sleep.
I woke up at 3am in a panic attack – I had an overwhelming dread of death, my throat was dry and sore, my body tingled all over in a cold sweat and I struggled to breathe.
At University the stress of work made panic attacks a regular occurrence, so I know how to deal with them, though that initial feeling of doom is most terrifying.
That moment of panic thinking that this is all I have and will die, will horrify me and I want to do anything to forget about death.
Strangely, when the panic goes and I think more rationally, the thought of death does not seem so worrying. It’s just that moment in time when you wake up suddenly from a dream.
I spent the next three hours calming myself down, controlling my breathing, trying to ease the pain in my throat and slowing my heart rate.
Because I have done First Aid and been in a few accidents myself, I know the panic of death is a natural reaction when these things occur. And it seems so ridiculous three days later that I worried so much about.
The funny thing was I thought about the tv show Game of Thrones and the book it’s based on – a Song of Ice and Fire.
Both are in key moments where I am eager to see how things play out – the TV show with how they interpret the Viper vs the Mountain and in the books the spoiler spoiler spoiler…
In the scheme of things I couldn’t help thinking, “well if this is it, it doesn’t matter if I don’t find out what happens”
This made me think of the relevance of a common statement I have read in a lot of self-improvement books:
When you’re on your death bed are you going to wish you’d watched more television?
My mind switched to a bucket list of things I want to do:
- go on a safari and photograph animals
- go to Canada and retrace the steps of my grandfather to see where he trained to become a Spitfire pilot in WWII.
I’ve spent a lot of time wanting a better career, money and love. But surprisingly not one of these flashed in my mind. The petty disagreement on sick leave request etiquette with my boss did not even come to mind.
Funny? ha! ha!
An imagined brush with death made me think what I really want to do with the precious time I have. Now if I could just clear this bad throat.