I once worked for social services. I was involved in a case where both parents were essentially retarded. And I don’t mean retarded in the Internet insult kind of way.
They had one kid after another, until the school of one of the kids raised a concern about their ability to protect the children.
Despite what you see on TV, the response isn’t necessarily taking children away, as that would be expensive.
So we had meeting after meeting, and the parents went on every better parenting course running.
They weren’t fuck-ups, or horrible bastards who didn’t give a shit about their offspring, … they loved their children.
However despite constant efforts to improve their parenting they didn’t have the mental understanding to grasp how to raise their children safely.
It was sad when they were taken away. I always remember one of the social workers summarising it perfectly.
“sometimes… love isn’t enough”
Quite often in life we are built on the belief that “if you want it enough, you will achieve it”
It essential sells you that if you dream, it will be fulfilled.
If you love it will be reciprocated
If you work hard, you will get a great job that pays six figures.
If you see a girl you love at first sight, she is destined to be yours if you keep pursuing her.
However scientifically this is false, in the same way they were not genetically gifted to look after children, others may not be good enough to be a musician or become a CEO of a company.
And as for the girl? That might work in a Hollywood movie, in real life it makes you a stalker.
I mentioned the danger of oneitis on goals. And there has to be a point when you realise that some of your dreams are just… well dreams.
Sure if you want to be a writer there is nothing stopping you doing that on the side, but getting yourself down because you’re not the next JK Rowling is not healthy.
You may “love” the hot girl at your school and feel it is your destiny to get together, but you have probably passed up dozens of opportunities in the last month with other girls. Because of that obsession you feel lonely, horny and undesirable.
How to get over the love/dream complex
- Focus on self-improvement – if you make yourself a better person new opportunities may present themself.
- Find new interests – if you are not attracting that girl, find interesting things to do, it will take your mind off it and it will open up the opportunity to meet other people.
- Travel – working like a dog to get a promotion that isn’t going to happen, sometimes a change of scene will help you relax, restrategise and have new experiences
- Hit the gym – look better, feel more confident. If you want a good reason to hit the gym, look at all the reasons how it improves your physical and mental health.
- Set new goals – when I realised that I was not going to be a professional Karate instructor I moved on by doing different things and set new goals.
I am aware I started this post with a pretty horrible situation and then compared it to pretty shallow dreams of being rich, famous and loved by a desirable women.
But that is the point – when you look at your your lame problems and dreams, in comparison to having your kids taken away because your just not good enough. It doesn’t matter if you don’t make it in one way, there are many other paths you can choose.
You won’t always make your dreams because sometimes love isn’t enough.