Avoid these MISTAKES to get a dad bod

The self-improvement movement encourages men to better themselves – this is all wrong as we will never be happy because we will never reach our full potential.

This includes the negative expectation to stay physically healthy and go to the gym.  This is not good as it means we are trying to be someone that we are not.

Women have the fat acceptance movement, its time for men to react and be proud of their slobby ways too!

Image provided by fat shaming magazine – Men’s Health

Therefore in this article, I give some advice to avoid a number of mistakes and keep the dad bod alive.

Nutrition

From data I pulled from the first result of a Google search show that NEARLY half of children are obese, therefore if you set a bad example by eating healthy and exercising your child will think this is normal behaviour.

Round figures as illustrated in the diagram below illustrate that the less junk food your child eats the more likely they will be different and get picked on

Just ask yourself do you want to be an enabler of your own child’s bullying?  Then be aware to make special effort to keep them average.

Data obtained from Institute of Body Positivity

To save your child, get fast food several times a week as this has the added benefits of avoiding the burnoff of calories that result from prepping your own meals and help maintain that sexy, desirable man-boob look that is desired by all women in Marie Clare.

Working out

Because of the unrealistic expectations set by Calvin Klein and photoshop with models there is a culture of men and fathers being pressured into going to the gym.

Do not be pressured by men who probably only got physiques through steroids and have tiny pee-pees. These men are brainwashed by propaganda that being strong and fit is important when raising children and sets the false expectation that men shouldn’t be skinny fat.

Humans have evolved to be naturally lazy, therefore if you workout you are fighting against biology, if you flap your arms it doesn’t make you a bird does it!

Interacting with your children

The problem with children is that they like to move about, like to play and run off when you’re queuing for your doughnut and soy latte.

This is all detrimental to your dad bod so instead of getting on the floor and playing with them set the right example by spending every spare minute sitting in front of the TV with your favourite bag of Doritos. Address your child’s wild uncontrollable impulses by strapping them to a chair with their favourite treat from Greggs.

Follow these rules for success

If you take this advice – avoid eating healthy, exercising and interacting with your children you should be okay.

And if at any time you find yourself faltering remember – Cosmopolitan are doing there bit for women by encouraging them to have the physique of a fully grown adult elephant that’s had a child draw all over their limbs with a marker.

So man up, embrace mediocrity and say no to the body fascists who want you to look good, feel confident, be desired by your wife and not be depressed.


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8 thoughts on “Avoid these MISTAKES to get a dad bod

  1. Way too funny, especially since all you really did was repackage the drivel spewed at fat women and switch the sexes . . .

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