It’s not been an easy year so far…
In some ways I knew this moment was coming, my head hasn’t been into much recently. You could say too many lockdowns, too many gym closures,… too many setbacks were responsible for the frustrations. But I know that’s a lie and a bit of self-sabotage was involved somewhere.
Recently (and by recent I mean since April), I’ve lacked motivation – as soon as my head hits the pillow I shut my eyes to the outside world drowning out overthinking by listening to a YouTube fuelled ASMR coma.
I can’t even remember when I last read a book…
My writing has suffered, it’s not writers block, I’ve got enough ideas to make this blog last a lifetime (if I want to). It’s pure laziness – I can still hash out words onto the page, but lack the patience to mold them into something beautiful. Until recently I’ve kept the schedule going being carried by past work and more motivated times, back when I was the guy who’d got in the habit of writing 3 or 4 pieces of new content in a week (I’d love to see that guy again).
The new job has worn me down. When talking about it, I’ve compared it to a relationship that needs work, which is never a good sign when you’ve just started, which is funny really, as it’s actually a pretty shitty analogy as any relationship that turbulent, I’d have ended months ago.
These problems I buried in the back of my head, in a vain hope that everything would figure itself out, but subtle signs of my hidden darkness, like snapping at the kids for the smallest thing, exposed the demons within.
Life went on, until of all things an annoying incident of workmen half doing a job, then not showing up to finish it made me snap and I realised I couldn’t keep ignoring life problems.
I finally admitted – I’m so fed up (and I’m not going to take it anymore).
Today is a new beginning to look at my goals, where I am, and start to look forward to the future again.
Finding meaning from struggles…
Sometimes I question why life has to be so hard, especially when you’ve had a streak of things going so good for so long. But then I think these struggles have a meaning, to continue to test us, make us stronger… Or as Rocky Balboa says:
“It ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.”
Take care of yourself and see you next time.
James @Perfect Manifesto